you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
