I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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