there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
