When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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