i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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