I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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