You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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