How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
