Swine flu is the new snow day.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
