Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize