How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
