I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize