you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
