did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
