***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
