I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
