walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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