guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I need moral support for this bender
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
