his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
