When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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