ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
