A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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