If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I understand Curling. That high.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
