Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
