The maid of honor just puked.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
