I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
