So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
