also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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