I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do vagina's smell?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
