How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
