I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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