I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
