I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
