I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
