theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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