did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
should my penis look like a turkey
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
