you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
