Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
