I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
