i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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