He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
