but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
