well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
