Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He better not be in your backpack
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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