he puts the penis in happiness.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
