From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
