I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
