I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
