totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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