WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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