hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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