why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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