He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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