alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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