look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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