I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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